Copy: Letter to Red States

I wish I could claim credit for that one, unfortunately, I can’t. It is a bit over the top vis a vis a few things, nevertheless though, it does make you think…
Dear Red States,

If you manage to steal this election too, we’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other  Blue States with us. In case you aren’t aware, that includes California,  Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all  the Northeast. 

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.  To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and  the best  beaches.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. 

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss.

We get 85% of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenues, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of  happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’re going to want all our  citizens back from  Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals.  They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no  purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their children’s  caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn  up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country’s fresh water, more  than 90% of the  pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95% of America’s  quality wines,  90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn  and soybeans (thanks Iowa!), most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living  redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus  Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.  

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and  their  projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the  tornadoes, 90% of  the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all  televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62%  believe life is  sacred unless  we’re discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that  evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11  and 61% of  you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.

Peace out, 

The Blue States

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